26 May 2003
Statistics – how you can help
Statistics show that readers of this page are in the top one to six per cent of the country.
Unfortunately I cannot reveal where these statistics come from or what exactly was measured, but I think you will agree that it must show we are all pretty intelligent.
It may also show that we will believe anything that has figures in it. You probably already think that the lower figure is more accurate. If it were climate change, of course, it would still be the lower figure, but everyone would pretend it was the higher figure –that just shows how flexible we are.
It will come as no surprise to us, therefore, to find that we are in a perfect position to help the Government, lottery organisers and scientists – and that we are able to do this at a stroke.
Why should we bother with these fringe groups?
I am surprised you should ask that, since it is clearly our duty in Norfolk to help people who cannot make their minds up, or who have already made it up wrongly, or who have very little mind at all.
Some of you may have noticed that lottery games are proliferating at an alarming rate and getting less and less comprehensible. This is clearly pointless, confusing, and a waste of everyone's time.
At the same time, significantly, the Government cannot decide whether it can get away with plunging straight into >Europe without asking anyone if they want to come too.
And it can be no coincidence that simultaneously Norfolk has been selected to take all sorts of exciting measures to reduce carbon emissions, which as everyone knows, are dragging the sun towards us. We can put lids on our saucepans, for instance, or turn off the lights.
What we, as readers of this page, can do to help, is simple. I am going to introduce a new lottery game that will replace all the old lottery games. We will replace all those boring numbered balls with a completely new set of balls.
Each ball will contain a statement about Europe or the environment that is either silly or highly contentious. Happily there are thousands of these to be found in the newspapers daily. Many of them are passed off as facts and taught in schools.
Everyone who takes part in the new lottery will simply have to choose six balls that contain correct statements.
Unfortunately, the odds against winning this new lottery are still spectacularly high. But all money raised is going towards a new charity dedicated to maintaining the critical faculty of the population as a whole. I am sure you'll agree that this is a more than worthwhile project, and a desperate need.
Bizarre letters
I see that Steve Hounsham of Transport 2000 is pursuing his fantasy campaign against me in a stream of bizarre letters to the editor. Just in case readers of this page are in any doubt, I have no connection with the Association of British Drivers, and readers may make of its website (at www.abd.org.uk) what they will.
Mr Hounsham may like to dwell on Socrates' remark that “when the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser”. No, I am not a member of the extremist Socrates Club either.
Gulls at home in new mews
Reader Mik Hancock of Swaffham is concerned about the number of mews springing up in various places across Norfolk. He writes: “I was led to believe that mews developments by definition were yards or streets originally used as stables but latterly converted to dwellings.
“From where I write, two come to mind that cannot fit into this category – Church Mews and Barlow Mews, brand new houses that have nothing in common with stables. Admittedly the access to Church Mews is through Pit Lane, a row of terraced cottages that are converted stable dwellings, but Barlow Mews is on the site of a former factory.”
This is clearly a matter of some depth and complexity, but Mr Hancock is equal to it. He reminds us shrewdly that “mew” is also another word for a seagull. Perhaps, he suggests, Swaffham was sea-girthed in the past – possibly during a time of climate change – and many seagulls congregated there.
“Or maybe colonies of wild cats roamed the area, and the sites are named after their cries? Or perhaps the sites were covered in the feathers of moulting hawks?”
Readers who admire Mr Hancock's thoroughness, etymologically speaking, may feel compelled to agree that one of these ideas is bound to be correct. The only other explanation is that “mews” sounds expensive, and that's clearly ridiculous.
Poetry offer: must end eventually
Thousands upon thousands of readers have asked me when this column will appear in book form. Apparently they would like to throw it into the sea, but newspaper does not sink well.
I am sad to say that this is unlikely to happen in the near future because of global warming, but eager readers now have an alternative: they can buy my book of poems, Mist and Fire, which is published this month. My poetry has been described as “lousy as your lousy column” by one alert visitor to my website at www.back2sq1.co.uk, which gives you a fair idea of the quality. It is also almost entirely not funny.
If, despite this, you would like a copy, the book is available from me at the modest cost of £4.50, post free. Cheques should be payable to Tim Lenton, and definitely not to anyone else. The cover pictures, by Norfolk artist Annette Rolston, are worth the price on their own, which would probably have been a better idea.