14 April 2003
Alien entities turn up everywhere
Intrepid Norfolk explorer Richard ‘Volcano’ Meek has been out and about, investigating reported sightings of aliens by Americans. Apparently an amazing percentage of our transatlantic cousins have had this experience.
I’m not quite sure precisely how amazing this percentage is, because it is currently being recalculated by the Transport Research Laboratory, but I suspect it will turn out to be at least a third, or in some areas nearly 100pc.
It is a pity there is so little evidence of these sightings on camera, but unfortunately as soon as cameras are installed, the aliens set fire to them or take pot shots at them, because they think their speed is being monitored.
However, I digress. Mr Meek’s attention was understandably drawn to the implications for Norfolk, which has its own share of bizarre sightings, especially in Norwich city centre in the early hours of Saturday and Sunday.
Many of the slightly less outlandish encounters have been around the recently discovered deserted village of Whynge, which is often on the coast. In addition, some people think that coypu, great crested newts, the Wymondham duck and the Pondhenge goose may be alien entities, not to mention the Tuddenham toad, the Ditchingham chickens and many HGV drivers.
Mr Meek suspects that Beeston Bump may have been constructed as a mooring point for alien spacecraft, though it has to be admitted that this does conflict with other theories that he holds. I was more attracted to his suggestion that the Acle Straight, when seen from above, is clearly a runway or Nazca guidance line for interstellar vehicles. This would explain some of the phenomena associated with the area, though the fact that Yarmouth is nearby is probably explanation enough.
It is no coincidence, I feel, that one third of Britain’s rabbits have been described by the People’s Dispensary for Sick Animals recently as obese. Clearly these are not native rabbits, because I am told they can easily outrun a cat. I suspect that they may come from Beccles, where we were informed not long ago that rabbits were exploding. It would be just like aliens to introduce exploding rabbits into Norfolk.
After a while, it could get quite depressing. Mr Meek feels that aliens have been part of the Norfolk landscape for a long time. They include Harvey of Yarmouth, who researched the circulation of sherry in the human bloodstream; Julian of Norwich, who starred in the original Carry On series; and Vancouver, who founded the first sports centre in King’s Lynn. Doing nothing is sometimes best
Doing nothing is an option
That old favourite “Doing nothing is not an option” has raised its head again. It is generally pronounced by people whose job depends on our doing something, and so we can hardly blame them.
This time it is Mike Hulme, executive director of the Tyndall Centre for Climate Change Research. He is concerned, of course, about global warming. He has to be.
If it would help, I will gladly give him a hand to nudge the sun slightly further away, but really I suspect that doing nothing actually is an option. After all, the climate has see-sawed back and forward over the centuries, and we’ve never done anything about it yet. It seems a little arrogant to think we can.
Somewhat surprisingly, Mr Hulme adds that we will see unprecedented changes in the earth’s climate over the coming years and decades.
Unprecedented? Has he forgotten the Ice Ages, or is he expecting something more radical?
Who's at the door?
An eagle-eyed friend has been rather disturbed by certain buses, which carry warning signs from Norfolk Constabulary. The signs are directed against opportunist thieves, who knock at elderly people’s doors. One says “Who is Mum letting in today?” and another “Who is Dad letting in today?”
The problem is that it’s the same picture each time – of an elderly woman.
As my friend observes, “I would be less worried who Dad was letting in today than about what he was wearing today. But then, perhaps there would be fewer of these distraction crimes if the conmen were suitably distracted by the person opening the door. Instead of the slogan ‘If in doubt, keep them out’, Norfolk Constabulary might like to try ‘Give them a shock – wear a frock’.
“But that would only work for men, of course. Elderly women might experiment with donning a trilby and answering the door smoking a pipe.”
See for yourself
Some of you may have read the letter from Steve Hounsham, the communications officer of anti-car pressure group Transport 2000, not long ago and noted his claim that I believe the faster you drive, the safer you are. This is so patently absurd that I suspect few readers took any notice of anything else he said.
However, if you are still confused about speed and the causes of accidents, by all means look at the “findings” he mentions. And then visit an intriguing site that reveals how those findings are routinely distorted. It is at: http://safespeed.org.uk/onethirdemail.html
No doubt Mr Hounsham will accuse the presenters of this site of being fanatics, which in his language means he doesn’t agree with them. I make no comment at all: I am happy for readers to make their own minds up.
No prize's for grammar
I’m delighted to discover there’s still a strong resistance movement out there determined to fight for the basics of English. After my piece about superfluous apostrophes on signs in Riverside, Norwich, a correspondent bemoaned the similar excess in a city DIY store, where he encountered Toilet’s and Door’s.
And there were many similar complaints. A teacher I know has a theory. She suspects some people never grow out of the excitement of being introduced to apostrophes at an early age and feel they have to use them at every opportunity – in the way that if you give a linesman a flag, he feels obliged to wave it often.
It’s an interesting theory, but it doesn’t explain why another reader discovered a “to-peace” item in a local furniture store. This was an attempt to get across the fact that the item was in between one and three sections.
Clearly we are in dire need of a signwriting qualification that includes spelling and punctuation. Any offer’s?