22 December 2003
Opportunity for irony goes begging
The backlash to the Government’s recent revelation that it had pushed too hard on speed cameras was really quite funny.
In fact I can think of only one thing that would have been funnier: a police car colliding harmlessly with a speed camera behind Brake chief executive Mary Williams as she pontificated on breakfast television and attacked organisations that promote road safety. Unfortunately, a perfect opportunity for irony was missed.
Of course Brake itself is funny, in a peculiar sort of way: any so-called safety organisation that names itself after the most risky manoeuvre a driver performs has got to have a sense of humour.
But road accidents are far from funny; so why was Ms Williams attacking road safety organisations? Well, she calls them fringe groups, presumably because they take the Anatole France line on road safety. (M France pointed out astutely that if fifty million said a foolish thing, it was still a foolish thing.)
Ms Williams, like so many others, prefers to trot out statistics that have been proved quite wrong but remain popular with people who don’t have the imagination to tackle road safety properly.
The different road safety organisations are beginning to look a bit like religions, which is bad news, because religions – although normally well motivated – tend not to get together.
At the moment what I would call the suicide bomb approach is in the ascendancy. These are people who misdiagnose the cause of the problem, take a perverse view of the outcome and delight in punishing innocent people.
They advocate looking at the speedometer instead of watching out for hazards; they like to distract drivers; and they believe that it is a good idea to place obstacles in the road.
They also delight in placing corrupt beliefs in the minds of their victims: for instance, the notion that if you dawdle, you are safe; and the idea that it doesn’t matter if you hit people as long as you do it really slowly; and the doctrine that if you travel at 20mph long enough, you will be surrounded by beautiful and compliant road safety equipment for eternity.
Meanwhile any attempt to find the real cause of accidents is sabotaged by a form of holy writ: the police have been told specifically to put down speed as a cause whenever remotely possible. I personally find this shocking, but apparently it is routine. So it is in the end no more surprising that road deaths should continue to rise than it is that they should fall in the areas around speed cameras. Speed cameras tend to be placed where accidents have happened. Since accidents are random events, they are not likely to happen in the same place all the time: a high will be followed by a low.
The true picture is the nationwide one, and it is getting worse since the introduction of speed cameras – and the promotion of the speed scapegoat as our national animal of choice.
Shocking lapse by Pondhenge
Following the disturbing news that the University of East Anglia has fallen short of its target number of students from working class backgrounds comes an even more shocking revelation from North Norfolk.
The New University of Pondhenge (formerly the rather more euphonious Pondhenge Polytechnic) announced last night that it has totally failed to attract as undergraduates any students whose parents are bus drivers.
Professor Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago said yesterday: “It is true. I can hardly express how ashamed we are of this abject failure. How we can survive as a university without the input of bus-driving families is impossible to contemplate.
“It is absolutely vital for the future of Norfolk and this country as a whole that children of bus drivers get into university, and Pondhenge in particular.
“If we cannot do better than this, we shall of course close down.”
A Government spokesman said funding and public transport generally would be withdrawn from Pondhenge if targets were not met. This would mean the end of the ground-breaking MA in creative goose-handling, which is unique in the United Kingdom. Prof Houseago is 104.
Fears that traffic may use new road
Widespread panic that the proposed new distributor road north of Norwich might attract traffic is concerning county planners.
“We never thought of that,” said chief deputy assistant acting road designer Len “Kissme” Hardy, who lives in Hindolveston. “We had been assuming that the road would remain empty, which would of course be ideal.”
Alerted by this road-traffic convergence horror, the county council is looking at some of its other policies, and is now worried that new housing planned for the county may be occupied by people. “It’s a terrifying thought,” said Mr Hardy, “though of course not in my area.”
There are further fears that improved waste collection could lead to people putting out rubbish; sea defences might hold back the sea in some places; and opening shops may lead to people buying things. A think-tank has been created to spot other frightening and unexpected scenarios.
Sandringham landslide worry
My position as president of the West Norfolk Mountain Rescue Team could prove unexpectedly arduous.
A correspondent with inside knowledge warns me to expect “a positive landslide of mountains trying to infiltrate Sandringham on the basis that one of them might receive the Royal Warrant”.
I had of course anticipated having to deal only with mountains wanting to be rescued because they had strayed into West Norfolk by mistake – something that happens quite rarely. The prospect of mountains entering the area deliberately is frightening. I can only warn them of the dangers they might be facing; the agony that would undoubtedly be suffered by their families, especially small hills, if something went wrong; and the huge burden they would be placing on the National Health Service in the event of an accident.
Meanwhile I am on the alert, relatively speaking.