27 October 2003
Search for symbol of the east
The challenge to create something “really special” to inspire a sense of pride and unity in the East of England will be exercising some of the world’s most creative minds over the coming months.
They are hoping to come up with something as striking as the Angel of the North or the London Eye, but which will be immediately identified with this part of the country.
I understand that a giant Speed Camera Promotion vehicle has already been ruled out, and a scheme to dig a series of enormous holes filled with water and linked into the river system has been described as vandalism of the environment and so is clearly a non-starter.
A piece of installation art depicting coastline crumbling into the sea is in the running, but the clear favourite is inspired by a discovery made outside the region – at Whitley Bay. This is the remains of a six-foot-long carnivorous amphibian with a wide row of teeth and a walking style “like a giant newt”.
Artist Annette Karenina, of Gorleston, said yesterday: “A sculpture of this massive newt in a prominent position would symbolise East Anglia’s fight against the expansionist ambitions of great crested newts. A good spot for it would be off the A11 at Wymondham – the site originally suggested for the discarded speed camera vehicle.”
Other suggested sites include County Hall or City Hall in Norwich, in both of which the newt culture has made impressive inroads; the promenade at Great Yarmouth, where the giant sculpture would be quickly destroyed in a meaningful event filmed for posterity; and Pondhenge in North Norfolk, where it would dwarf the famous Pondhenge goose. Local residents and bird power activists are already up in arms there about what they call artistic bullying.
A site in the centre of Knapton, where villagers have been complaining about sewage leaking on to the street, has been rejected on the grounds that North Norfolk District Council would simply deny it was there. This could hit tourism.
New theory on South Norfolk villages
While staying with a cousin in Burston, near Diss, Prof V A R Scheinlich has been momentarily distracted from the time distortion anomalies that have made the Autonomous Republic of Hingham famous.
But he has been seduced by another unusual phenomenon – the strange cluster of present participles masquerading as villages in the Burston area.
“I was intrigued by Shimpling, Gissing and Winfarthing,” he said. “They seemed a bit too good to be true.”
Following lengthy investigations, he has established almost beyond doubt that they are not place names at all, but descriptions of local activities. “As those activities were never entirely clear, historians were confused, and the name for the activities became attached to collections of houses,” he said. “Some people think that people built houses in the neighbourhood to try to find out what was going on. Most of them never did so – a common problem in Norfolk. But I believe I have worked this one out.”
The professor, who is also famous for his only slightly successful knot theory – the theory of almost everything – said he was now certain that to shimple meant to behave in a coy way; to giss originally meant to be extremely demanding of passers by; and to winfarthe was to give way to someone whose proper place was before you. This idea has been since taken over by Formula 1, where it is known as “team orders”.
He believed that in view of its history, Gissing would be an ideal place to trial congestion charging, but Norfolk County Council has so far resisted the idea, in a shimpling kind of way. Prof Scheinlich will return to Hingham soon.
Telephone book cash-in plan
Following the incredible success of BT’s new Norfolk phone book distribution plan, where people just outside Norwich are deprived of all the Norwich numbers, another top local company is planning to cash in on the idea.
Houseago Inc of Erpingham will publish a series of carefully targeted local directories. Sales manager Len “Kissme” Hardy said yesterday: “We were really impressed by BT’s idea of non-duplication. I mean it’s so obviously in the customer’s interest that you don’t print a telephone number more than once. People might find it all over the place.
“What we are going to do is issue the people of Trowse with directories to Trowse and parts of Dereham only. If that goes well, we will press on with directories for Spixworth and Fakenham; South Lopham and King’s Lynn; and Hemsby and Thetford.”
Mr Hardy, who comes from Hindolveston but is living in South London for the winter, is optimistic. Market research shows we are on to a winner,” he said. “And if people do complain, we’ll give them another directory free as a goodwill gesture. “Just for this year, though. It’s a long-term money-spinner. Don’t print that. I didn’t say that.”
Mr Hardy is ex-directory.
Happy solution at Whynge
After complaints from house-buyers that they do not want to live in areas infested by road humps and 20mph limits, the recently discovered Norfolk village of Whynge has come up with a solution.
Whynge emerged from the sea during a temporary drop in sea levels and is now often on the coast. Parish council spokesman A D “Happy” Manhire said the village was intending to demolish all road humps and remove speed limits, since they were clearly anti-social.
He added: “We are now twinned with Barnet in North London, which is getting rid of all of its humps in order to save lives. Research carried out by the UEA’s School of Penguins, Chess and Road Surfacing has also found that speed limits are fixed by people with no expertise whatsoever.
“We want people to be relaxed and happy. Please come and live here.”
He admitted there was a slight risk of the village disappearing into the sea again, but said he planned to install cameras to prevent it.
Little otter
I am told that the wild otter recently referred to here has given birth to a little otter. This is believed by many to be an irrefutable indication that global warming is getting a grip.