13 October 2003
East-west physics challenge to new road
Travelling from east to west, as we all know, is not natural. The laws of physics prevent us building a decent road or railway track across the country.
Anyway, I assume that is the reason. It may have something to do with ley lines, wormholes or magnetism. Or perhaps the Government simply “does not do” lateral thinking: the evidence is there in the illogical refusal to dual the A47, which is about as east-west as you can get.
It is therefore amazing that the county council is even considering a northern distributor road for Norwich which, despite its name, would run east-west.
The successful southern bypass has elements of east-west about it, but it really goes south and then north, which is why it got built so quickly. The northern routes on offer are much more obviously east-west – or, in certain lights, west-east, which is not much better.
The suggestion that any road at all should be built is quite unexpected from the county council, which plonks cars firmly at the bottom of its list of transport priorities. No doubt if we had gangs of terrorists, poisonous snakes and grizzly bears roaming Costessey, they would get priority over evil things like automobiles. Never mind that for many elderly and ill people, cars are the only possible method of transport.
And it still gets blamed by the usual suspects for favouring cars, despite all the evidence to the contrary. For instance, it has already been accused of ignoring or playing down ecological and environmental costs of a northern road, although its list of the seven possible routes (or part-routes) includes 25 possible effects,18 of which are environmentally negative.
And it is still dithering about whether any such road should be dual carriageway, when it is blindingly obvious that it should, for a hundred different reasons. Anyone considering building a single-carriageway major road anywhere should be taken out and shot. Slowly.
The environmental benefits of a road taking traffic out of residential areas to the north of the city are huge. The odd beetle may get affected by a compulsory purchase order, but for human beings it will be a massive relief.
Of course, there is little relief from the deviousness of statistic-compilers. Number two on the council’s list of questions asks: Do you support education, encouragement and enforcement measures? Only one answer is possible; so if you are all in favour of education and encouragement, you have to vote for “greater enforcement of speeding laws” as well. I always wondered where they found all those motorists who were supposed to be in favour of speed cameras. Suddenly the whole cunning plot becomes transparent.
Fisher girl clue to land shifts
Concern rages almost unabated about the possible transfer of land out of Norfolk, following my rather radical suggestion that some of it had been used to form the Scottish Highlands.
A new back-up theory centres on the Scottish fisher girls who used to come down to Yarmouth to smoke herring, which in those days was a Class A drug. It has since been decriminalised, and the practice faded out, but not before the girls – possibly suffering from hallucinations, and desperate to escape – smuggled home large quantities of Norfolk earth in their pockets.
This subtle theft baffled Norfolk police, who did not get much further than suspecting that the thieves had gone to ground. An appeal for them to give themselves up was unsuccessful.
Despite the obvious attraction of this theory, which has already received funding from the Government, there are other ideas. Reader Howard Jones, for example, believes that it is the Dutch who are sneaking bits of our fair county away. Their motive? They need to raise their land mass by a good few metres to avert the possibility of flooding through rising sea levels.
He writes: “The recent grounding by the Trinity House ship Patricia is proof enough. The crew of this trusty vessel, while surveying our coast to ensure that all was in its rightful place, were put in perilous danger because the sandbank they were looking for had shifted further than they expected – or perhaps had been moved.”
This is clearly worrying, and may be a sign that various other countries have identified Norfolk as an easy touch for land-grabbing. I would urge readers to be alert to any dents or holes, however slight, opening up in their vicinity.
I would further urge the European Union to set up an Equal Land Commission to ensure that no unfair expansion of territory is going on under cover of darkness.
Wild otters don't like pepper
It would be easy to take too lightly the wild otter at Earsham referred to on this page recently. A friend tells me that otters can be quite savage. On a recent excursion into the wilds of Canada to see grizzly bears in their native habitat, she asked the guide if it had ever been necessary to pepper-spray a grizzly in self-defence. She was told: “Never, but it was once necessary to subdue an otter in that way.”
Walkers in the border area near Bungay will not sleep easy in their tents.
Newt on heels of librarian
As I have always had a soft spot for libraries, I am delighted to hear that the latest action hero figure to be released in America is a librarian. She is modelled on an actual Seattle librarian, is made of hard plastic and moves her finger to her lips in what is described as a “shushing” action, which should see off most evil villains without any trouble.
Norfolk’s answer to this is to be revealed later this month by Houseago Inc, of Erpingham: it is a great crested newt made of extremely fragile plastic and easily destroyed.
“We feel it should appeal to most children,” said managing director Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago, 104. “And of course it will boost our campaign to exterminate newts, who are gradually taking over government in this country.”