15 July 2002
Knot theory problem for string scientists
Today sees the start of a major conference at Cambridge University on string theory, which many scientists believe could lead to a unified theory of everything.
But one key man has not been invited to Strings 2002: Professor V A R Scheinlich of Hingham, whose pioneering work in the same area has shocked many of his contemporaries.
Prof Scheinlich claims to have already discovered a fairly unified theory of almost everything. Fellow physicists, however, have refused to accept his unorthodox methods and have tried to prevent him from publicising his ideas.
He claims that this is because his own version of string theory – knot theory – uses the concept of multi-dimensional universes to explain a variety of phenomena, including the Hingham wormholes, the Pondhenge goose, the Ditchingham chickens and Schroedinger’s cat.
Asked why his theory was only fairly unified, he said that he had just about got it together, though it tended to unravel at times, rather like string. “In time it will be unified,” he said. “Time being a relative term in knot theory, and especially in the Autonomous Republic of Hingham.”
While scientists have searched for a theory to explain everything, even road humps, Prof Scheinlich has been content to go for almost everything.
“There is no way we can explain everything,” he said. “If we said we had explained everything, we would then have to explain how we could explain everything, given that the explanation would be outside everything else and, according to knot theory, inexplicably extra-dimensional. Like the cat.”
While Cambridge scientists work on oblivious to the ground-breaking theories of Prof Scheinlich, support for knot theory has come from an unexpected quarter – the UEA’s School of Penguins, Chess and Road Surfacing.
Professor Ian “Sam” Aufmerksam said last night: “I have the greatest respect for the work of Prof Scheinlich. He is undoubtedly the greatest living expert on Hingham, and if you can understand that, you can understand anything.”
Mrs Hicks was unavailable for comment.
Resurgence of newt power on horizon
A battalion of great crested newts is said to be blocking the line of the proposed Long Stratton bypass – thus preventing relief reaching the beleaguered town.
This resurgence of newt power comes as a shock after the apparent success of the campaign led by Norfolk veteran and druid Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago, 103, to oust the amphibians from positions of power in the county following the legendary Wymondham war.
Veterans of that encounter still speak in hushed tones of the newts’ expansionist ambitions. But their subsequent alliance with Austrian cave salamanders failed to break new ground, and Mr Houseago has been enjoying a fairly quiet retirement.
He is now expected to campaign on the Long Stratton issue and has already called for the UN peace-keeping force that was recently deployed at North Walsham to be moved south.
Meanwhile, great crested newts inconvenienced by the current dualling of new stretches of the A11 are receiving £250,000 compensation in the shape of special land guarantees.
“The battle is not over,” said Mr Houseago. “Newts never let up. We will continue to fight for our rights as true Norfolk people. We shall never surrender.”
Leap of imagination
The most dangerous road in Norwich – Prince of Wales Road – had 62 accidents in three years, most of them caused by pedestrians who had drunk too much.
The solution is obvious, when you think about it: the city council is planning improved pedestrian crossing facilities.
It takes only a small leap of the imagination to see drunken persons diligently searching out the crossings in a subdued way instead of hurling themselves loudly and aimlessly into the road.
Lynn a fine town - expert
Richard Meek, the expert responsible for alerting Norfolk to the possibility of a volcanic eruption near Sheringham, is concerned at my passing reference last time to the state of King’s Lynn.
I would like to assure readers that Mr Meek has the highest regard for Lynn. He does not feel its present state is the result of a prehistoric volcanic eruption. It is, he says, a fine town.
Personally I tend to see it as a curate’s egg of a town. Parts of it are very tasty, and would probably not be improved at all by a layer of ash.