6 May 2002
Big game is interrupted by tragedy
Here we are at a delightful spot just off the A140 to watch another exciting game of Road Crash Poker. The two teams are at the table and – hang on a minute, I think that’s another accident outside: car 0, heavy goods vehicle 3. A nasty home loss, there.
Back to the poker. This could be a very close match, because both teams have a similar amount of ammunition, and it’s all live.
They’ve started! The Dogmatists have been dealt some very powerful cards. They have several newspaper headlines, all with the word speed in them, and an impressive selection of statistics, one or two of them genuine.
The team captain has opened the betting with a couple of statements from the Transport Research Laboratory. Out of context, but that doesn’t matter: no one has seen the originals, and it’s looking very good – hang on again, another crash three miles up the road involving a bus, a tractor and a small owl.
No news yet of that score; extra time in progress. Now the Challengers have seen those statements from the Transport Research Laboratory and have raised a different one. Well, we’ve seen that one before, but somehow it always comes as a surprise. Courageous betting there. This could go either way.
Aha! The Dogmatists have gone for a big raise: backing from three environmental groups, 743 parish councillors, 98 cyclists, 29 tame journalists and a dog. That could clinch it. Wait! Yes, that’s another fatality, two cars colliding at a junction. That’s 2-2, and it’s gone to penalties.
The Challengers have thrown in support from the Association of British Drivers, and a whole barrel full of common sense, which should be worth something. They’ve called. Apparently someone is holding a dead man’s hand. Well, that means a showdown. All cards on the table. And we’ll see the result after this news of another disaster: a shunt involving seven vehicles and a sheep. No score yet.
Yes, the Dogmatists have won easily. It is indeed a full car – I mean house: aces and eights.
They win the mammoth prize of 17 speed cameras, as many road humps as they can carry and all the money that would otherwise have been spent on road improvements: that’s about £15.
If you survive, join us again for another thrilling game of Road Crash Poker. Goodnight. We have you on film.
Mass trespass by ducks
![[Photo] A tresspassing duck](/articles/images/020506Duck.jpg)
Worrying times in South Norfolk, where a mass trespass by ducks has been taking place, presumably to commemorate the mass trespass by ramblers on Kinder Scout almost exactly 70 years ago.
The ducks, claiming a right to roam, invaded a first school near Harleston, defying attempts by teachers to protect the children and workmen who are on site constructing a new classroom – or nest, as the ducks prefer to call it.
The head teacher at Alburgh, who prefers to remain anonymous, said the ducks were on neither the National Curriculum nor the menu and therefore had no place in a school. As a temporary measure, they were allowing the birds to take part in lessons but a watch had been placed outside in case Ofsted inspectors got wind of it.
Teachers were expecting the ducks to do well in upcoming SATs tests, although some wondered if they might quack.
Fears were expressed last night by Norfolk legend Henry (Fred) ‘Shrimp’ Houseago, 103, that this was “just the tip of the iceberg”. Following the ducks’ breakthrough, he fully expected great crested newts to follow, possibly disguised as Norfolk Property Services.
Slack lines no problem for cut-off communities
One day, not long ago, a man in darkest Mid-Norfolk looked out of his window and saw an engineer looking at the telephone lines near his house. When asked, the engineer said he was “making sure the lines aren’t slack”.
Later that day, the man’s phone went dead, and he found the telephone line lying across the corner of a field. It was not slack. It was broken. He reported the fault, and two days later someone wrapped the broken line round a pole, which was obviously reassuring.
Five days after that, he rang the complaints department of the company, who said the pole would have to be replaced, and traffic lights were necessary to do it. They did not say why, but they did say that for traffic lights they would need planning permission.
Next day the man was told the fault would be rectified that afternoon.
Three uneventful days later the complaints department, when consulted, said that an engineer would visit the site to see what had to be done.
When I last heard, the man had been without a phone for 11 days, losing a great deal of trade, many private calls and his grip on reality. At one point during the 11 days, his calls were transferred to his mobile phone.
This lasted for a day until callers got a message saying the number was “not registered for this service”. The man says this message was delivered in a “snooty” voice, and I have no reason to disbelieve him.
For myself, I am quite happy for any phone lines near me to remain slack. Thank you for asking.
Cheaper Fakenham move
Following the hugely successful closure of the ancient court at Fakenham to save money and inconvenience as many people as possible, it has been decided to make further economy measures.
Norwich Diocese has decided to close all churches in mid-Norfolk and require churchgoers to attend a cathedral in Norwich, Ely or Peterborough. All village halls will also be shut down, with meetings, dances and bingo being transferred to buildings in Norwich or Lynn. Shops, described as an antiquated system, will also be closed, with potential shoppers transferred to strategically placed supermarkets.
“It really is terribly irritating, having people in the Fakenham area,” said a spokesman. “We’re doing our best to sort it out.”
The bus will continue to run.
Potholes: the answer
Widespread concern was expressed last week about the huge number of potholes in our roads, with a backlog that it will cost billions of pounds to tackle. Such potholes are, of course, extremely dangerous. Happily, I think I can offer a solution.
Many of our roads are covered with humps, which highway authorities have somehow found the time and money to install despite being unable to keep up with road repairs.
Such humps are also extremely dangerous, particularly to motor cyclists and cyclists, but also to car drivers and pedestrians. The answer is obvious: dismantle the humps and fill in the potholes with them.
Two dangers eliminated at a stroke. I am sure the resulting reduction in casualty rates – and personal injury claims – would be very satisfying for councillors, and indeed for all of us.