20 May 2002
New threat to scientific orthodoxy
Right, settle down. Today’s lesson is taken from the Kyoto Protocol, Unrevised Standard Version, verses 1997 to 1999: “Thou shalt not question any statement made by your governments, or by scientists funded by them.
“Thou shalt not presume to doubt the motives of those who carve the party line in tablets of stone. Thou wouldst do better not to think at all. “These are the words, and the words are in the beginning, and the middle and the end.
“Thou shalt not anger those who know much better than thou, nor question any statistic published by them. Thou shalt bow down to computer models, however vague, and cast out data that do not fit. Thou shalt allow only the holy words to be printed, or thou shalt be taken to the Press Complaints Commission, trodden underfoot and mocked and despised. Amen.”
That is the word of the Odd. Let’s now move on to sing joyfully Hymn 2000: Transports of Delight. Please stand at the bus stop and turn down the heating.
“Praise to the diesel buses who fume along our way; we’ll always stand and praise them, come what may. E’en though we die of freezing, or cancer from their smoke, we’ll back them to the hilt because a car is just a joke.
“We’ll cast aside car drivers and hurl them in the mire; we’ll cover them with calming humps and push the tarmac higher. Pedestrian and cyclist are better than the rest; discussion is forbidden, for we know best.”
Please sit down, or kneel if you prefer.
Dearly beloved, we are faced with yet another challenge to orthodoxy. All around us, people are thinking for themselves and challenging scientific belief.
Some have even gone so far as to claim that there may be a God, or even worse, that evolution cannot be proved. This must not be allowed, any more than we can allow suggestions that speed is any way not fatal. Speed cameras and other sacred objects must be honoured and protected at all costs. I need hardly say that it is quite permissible to use any tactics to protect them and to bring down fire and brimstone on the motorist’s head.
Brethren, I am sad to say that some even doubt the second warming. We know that warming will come again, globally, and that it is the motorist’s fault. We will excommunicate all who stand by their cars, or who fail to condemn the use of fossil fuels. Their love of idling is appalling. They will not be allowed to enter the holy place.
And now, as friends of this earth, let us offer each other a sign of greenish peace. But first a brief prayer. Hands together, eyes tight shut.
Society on the verge of disintegration
Amid all the angst last week about a mother being jailed for failing to ensure that her children attended a school, a couple of connections seemed to go unmade.
The most obvious one was contained in these two reported statements: teachers were banned from smacking children in the 1980s; and classroom discipline has collapsed over the last 20 years.
Now muddle-headed groups like the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children – and many others – want to stop parents smacking. Presumably the aim this time is a total breakdown of society as we know it.
And just to save some of you the trouble of writing, no – I am not in favour of beating, caning, whipping, stabbing, garrotting, actual bodily harm or tactical nuclear devices in the home. Apologies if you can’t tell the difference.
Fears as peace-keepers leave
Alarming reports from North Norfolk indicate that the United Nations has withdrawn its peace-keeping force from North Walsham. The clearly marked UN vehicle standing at the south entrance to the town – so long a symbol of an uneasy truce – has been removed, and commentators are concerned that fighting may soon break out again.
Local militia groups bent on autonomy have been quiet recently, but rumours suggest that there could soon be an influx of angry young men from surrounding villages such as Meeting Hill, Swafield, Westwick and Spa Common.
Little London militants have been contacting other Little Londons across the county, and the mayor of one of them, Mrs Hicks, has been seen yet again fomenting discontent in North Walsham, well known as a trouble spot in the inhospitable terrain that contains so many hiding places, like Bacton.
Len “Kissme” Hardy, an expert on wilderness areas, comets and some pies, has told reporters that the UN must return immediately if disaster is to be averted.
“This is a fragile peace at best,” he said. “Don’t blame me if things go pear-shaped.”
Quantum leap in mystery of intermittent cat
An explanation for the mysterious appearances of a big cat in remote spots throughout Norfolk has been offered by a Hingham expert.
Professor V A R Scheinlich said that he had examined various theories, including the possibility of temporal displacement, but had been driven to the conclusion that the cat concerned was in fact Schrödinger’s cat.
The most recent sighting of the cat was at Mileham in the mysterious central Norfolk triangle formed by Dereham, Swaffham and Fakenham, where many travellers have simply vanished. But Prof Scheinlich, who is renowned for his diagnosis of the Hingham wormhole effect, feels this is a red herring.
He says it is almost certain that the famous quantum mechanical cat created by physicist Erwin Schrödinger in the 1920s has escaped from its box and is out of control, flitting in and out of existence without warning.
“This is not like that incident in Cheshire, where a cat disappeared and left a smile behind,” he said. “This is the real thing. Or the unreal thing, depending on which way you look at it.”
He warned people not to approach the cat, which could easily collapse, jump or move into a parallel universe, which would not be helpful.
Asked whether the cat was alive or dead, he replied: “Yes, probably.”