7 October 2002
Bus sets new record for UEA crawl
Regular readers will know of my keenness to use public transport whenever possible, even if I am not going anywhere.
So it is a disappointment when it falls short – not just by the merest margin, but by a gulf stretching into oblivion.
A couple of Mondays ago I arrived in good weather at what is now known as Norwich rail station, just before 8.30am, to catch the Number 25 bus to the university. This service runs every 10 minutes.
Twenty minutes later a bus rolled nonchalantly up, and eventually it left with me in it. The traffic was light, and even though the bus dithered on Castle Meadow, it arrived in St Stephen’s just before 9am, at which point the driver turned off the engine and walked away.
We sat for 15 minutes (remember, this is a 10-minute service) before another driver put in an appearance. It took him a further five minutes to load the large queue that had accumulated, and we pulled out of St Stephen’s just after 9.20.
It had taken me 50 minutes to travel about a mile from my house to Chapelfield Road. In a car, in the same conditions, it would have taken about three minutes.
The rest of the journey was uneventful, if that is what you call cramming the bus to the rafters with students and leaving an unhappy residue at the side of the road. We got to the university shortly before 9.40.
This may have been an unusual day, but not if the unconcerned demeanour of the drivers was anything to go by.
In any case, that is not the point. To be a viable alternative to the car, public transport has to be both convenient and reliable. It is no good doing a journey in 20 minutes one day if it is going to take well over an hour the next.
It is very easy to blame congestion, but on this occasion there was none.
Only a couple of days later I was stuck on a chilly platform at Ipswich Station waiting for a train that was three-quarters of an hour late. Most of my train journeys have been unmarred by delays, but just one experience like this is enough to create second thoughts.
Meanwhile the ritual abuse and pointless obstruction of motorists continues. Putting a bit of effort into making public transport a viable alternative might be a more effective method. Unfortunately too many people see being unpleasant to motorists as an end in itself.
Missing hill mystery blamed on East Anglian drift
Another mystery is being examined by noted explorer Richard “Volcano” Meek, who is building up something of a reputation as an expert on Norfolk hills.
His latest investigations surround Morton on the Hill, a spot on the Norwich-Fakenham road that is notable for being particularly flat.
Mr Meek suspects that this “hill” may have been another victim of the last eruption of Mount Beeston, which he has demonstrated convincingly to be a dormant volcano linked to the death of the Runton elephant.
However, an old map that he has uncovered does throw some doubt on this theory.
Dated 1574, it describes Morton as Su Permont – a clear indication that it was in fairly recent times a hill of significant proportions.
This seems to put paid to two other theories – that the hill was demolished by the same meteorite that put paid to the dinosaurs, the remains of which can be found parking very close by; or that the village was originally on the Rill, namely the River Wensum.
Not entirely happy with any of this, Mr Meek is currently examining the suggestion that East Anglian drift (something like continental drift, only slower) is to blame, and the hill will eventually be found lurking somewhere nearby, like Attlebridge.
Rumours of Hardy affair
Inspired by a nationwide marketing scheme to produce seven-holed egg boxes – so that consumers can eat an egg every day of the week – a wholefood chef from Hindolveston is planning to produce a range of easy-to-use food.
Len "Kissme" Hardy has set up a company to take advantage of new research showing that people are incapable of buying more than one box of eggs a week and can’t count anyway.
“We shall be creating loaves with seven slices, bunches of grapes containing seven grapes, cases of wine holding seven bottles and cheese sliced into seven bite-size chunks,” he said. “And that’s just a start. There is obviously a huge gap in the market.
“People want to live their lives in easy stages, and the week is the obvious choice.”
He denied a rumour that soon-to-be-published diaries written by Dorothea Goodchild, 104, would name him as her secret lover. Ms Goodchild vanished two years ago.
Shape-changing hope
Strange behaviour in the Rackheath area, where a correspondent tells me the B1140 has been changing shape.
Apparently workmen (or possibly workpersons) spent several weeks building a mini-roundabout and altering the road to stop vehicles driving in a straight line – a practice known to be dangerous.
Then, out of the blue, the roundabout disappeared overnight, and the road straightened itself.
My correspondent blames unnatural forces, or perhaps a perfectly natural wormhole spilling over from the Autonomous Republic of Hingham and distorting space and time.
Either way, this is a phenomenon that could prove useful. Perhaps it could be adapted to dispose of speed humps – or, as another innovator has suggested, inserting a lot more speed humps until roads become totally flat again, but slightly higher.
This would obviously be good for road safety, because you could see further. New technique will protect householders
![[Cartoon] Sandbag house](/articles/images/021007Flood.jpg)
Following renewed fears of flooding in Norfolk, contractors Houseago & Hicks of Erpingham, who specialise in building new homes on flood plains, have come up with a revolutionary plan to protect householders.
Spokesman Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago, 103, said last night: “We are intending to use sandbags to build our houses in future.
“I’m amazed no one has thought of it before. Everyone uses sandbags to keep out water. Why not get the sandbags in place from the outset?”
Asked whether there would be any further use for bricks, Mr Houseago said these could be stockpiled for use in severe flooding. “People could build walls round their houses for added protection,” he said.