17 December 2001
Are conductors the way back for buses?
![[Artwork] Bus stop queue](/articles/images/011217Bus.jpg)
Let’s leave aside for a moment the unlikely council assertion that 57 buses an hour go on or near the Riverside complex in Norwich. Readers of a mathematical bent may wish to stand in a strategic spot and check it for themselves, once they have defined “near”.
The more important question is: what can we do about buses generally, given the amazing statistic that one in 10 of them in this neck of the woods fails to reach its correct destination?
Beside this, the fact that one in five is late pales into insignificance.
Where do all these buses end up? Surely they can’t all break down and strand their passengers by the side of the road? Do they all go through Hingham? Is there a bus graveyard in the heart of Norfolk?
Huge numbers of passengers write to this paper complaining about buses turning up late, not turning up at all, breaking down or vanishing into the mist. Despite heroic efforts from many drivers (though not all), our bus service is little short of pathetic, for all sorts of pathetic reasons.
So why don’t we follow Ken Livingstone’s example?
Ken, you may remember, is Mayor of London, just outside Norfolk. There are lots of buses in London, and there is a certain amount of congestion too, I believe. Ken’s strategy in the face of this “envisages a significant increase in the number of central London buses with conductors by the end of 2004”.
Conductors? How would they help?
The most obvious gain is speed. When a driver takes the fare, buses can remain at a stop for two to three minutes, compared with a few seconds if there is a conductor. In a situation where stationary buses in St Stephen’s – and elsewhere – can cause blockage of the through lane and almost permanent congestion, this must be worth thinking about. Ken lists the advantages: * Faster journey times; * Easier fare-paying for passengers; * Improved safety; * Information available when you need it.
All this might go a little way towards tempting back lost or disoriented bus passengers. As usual, it is a return to something unwisely discarded in the past, like trams and branch lines. So it would almost certainly work.
Phone breakthrough
This year’s most innovative Christmas present is the immobile phone – a new kind of phone that can not only be carried around with you but has an exciting new feature: you don’t have to be moving to use it.
The problem with previous mobile phones is that it has proved impossible for users to stand still. As soon as they are connected, they are forced to walk up and down, often pretending to do something else very important at the same time.
Occasionally they will feel compelled to jump into a car and drive round while the call lasts.
This obviously causes problems, not so much for the phone user as for anyone who happens to get in the way.
The pressure group Confront (Come Off Network, Fathead, Ready or Not), set up to deal with the problem, recommends standing in front of the mobile phone user, unless the phone user happens to be driving, when it is inadvisable.
The immobile phone will change all this, enabling the user to stand still and talk, thus causing minimum inconvenience. Unfortunately supplies are low, and thieves are targeting them.
A spokesman at a local stockist said: “We have absolutely none left. They’ve walked.”
Fear of bears in Costessey
Dramatic changes in our surroundings are predicted for the middle of the century if certain climate changes take place. According to computer models set up by the UEA’s School of Penguins, Chess and Road Surfacing, the climate of the United Kingdom could cool by as much as 2C in the next 50 years.
If that happens, polar bears and penguins will be familiar sites in the remoter parts of Norfolk, like Costessey, and killer whales will take over sections of the Wensum. “We are expecting thousands of deaths from frostbite if the temperature falls by as little as 1C,” said report compiler Professor Ian “Sam” Aufmerksam.
Asked if this forecast was a little on the pessimistic side, Prof Aufmerksam said: “Computer models can be tricky. Climate is a chaotic system and is really quite unpredictable. However, we are totally confident and have issued a warning to freezer manufacturers.
“In any case if we are totally wrong, in 50 years’ time no one will remember. It’s a great line of work to be in.”
Pupils are quite right about apostrophes
Not long ago the EDP printed a letter from pupils at Thorpe House School in Norwich, standing up for the correct use of the apostrophe. They were brave – some would say foolhardy – enough to add three examples of correct usage.
Needless to say this provoked letters to the editor suggesting they were in error, and that Mrs Burns’ computer should in fact be Mrs Burns’s computer.
I am proud to stand foursquare with the pupils here. Mrs Burns’ computer is quite correct, as is Jesus’ disciple and Mr Jones’ bayonet. I would in fact like to use Mr Jones’ bayonet on certain people, but being Jesus’ disciple, I can’t.
Furriners must larn Norfolk, say Houseago
A radical plan to bar anyone from Norfolk who does not adopt its language and customs has been adopted by New Layby, the county’s government-in-waiting.
“We are being overrun by furriners,” said New Layby spokesperson and druid Henry (Fred) “Shrimp” Houseago, a long-time campaigner for Norfolk values.
“If yew want to come to Norfolk fer the best part of some time, do yew hev to learn the language,” he said.
“If yew can’t tell a dwile from a bishy-barney-bee, or if yew pingle on the strand, we will simply fye yew out.
“Cor, blarst me!” he argued.
“Them furriners’re all on the huh. They just talk squit.”
He added that it was in everyone’s interests that we all spoke the same language, because it promoted understanding and was a good defence against incursions by great crested newts and other amphibians.
New Layby leader Len “Kissme” Hardy, of Hindolveston, was unavailable for comment. “He’s out troshin at Swaffham – all fer nothin,” said Mr Houseago.
New Layby, who attracted a record number of votes in the recent Tuttington and Brampton by-elections, will be insisting that everyone entering Norfolk reads and memorises a copy of The Merry Mawkin, newsletter of the Friends of Norfolk Dialect (Fond).
Asked if this might not cause hold-ups on the A11, Mr Houseago said: “Yes, it might not. But that would be a darn sight wuss if we raised the old drawbridge.”
New Layby is also campaigning for more places to park safely.